Camp Out Crisis
by Carbuncle
Summary: Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine and Selphie all go off camping in the woods. However, the trip soon turns into a complete disaster (as you correctly guessed at home). The Forest Owls are called in to help when both Zell and Irvine go missing. Oh, the humanity


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Camp Out Crisis  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, the front gates. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Quistis, Irvine and Selphie are all standing there. They each have a backpack with them)  
Zell: Woo hoo! I can't believe we're all goin' campin' for the weekend! This is gonna be sooo sweet, you guys!  
Squall: Don't get too excited, Zell. I heard the Roshfall Forest is inhabited by those creepy giant Anacondaur creatures.  
Zell: You mean like from that movie, which was also called "Anacondaur"?  
Squall: No. That movie was called "Anaconda". Not "Anacondaur".  
Zell: Oh.  
Quistis: I really envy you all. I would have loved to come along on your little trip.  
Rinoa: (sarcastically) Yeah. We're sorry you can't come.  
Quistis: Thank you, Rinoa.  
Rinoa: (mimicking Quistis) "Thank you, Rinoa."  
Squall: We better get going or we're going to miss our train. Come on, guys.  
  
(Cut to the Roshfall Forest, Timber. The party walk into a clearing in the forest)  
Squall: This seems like the best place to pitch our tents.  
Selphie: It's kinda scary here. Maybe we should try further down.  
Irvine: Don't worry, babe. I'll protect you.  
Zell: You bunch o' wusses! C'mon, this place is fine! Let's set up camp!  
Squall: Okay. The girls and I will set up the tents. Zell, you and Irvine can go and search for firewood.  
Zell: Oh, that is so cliche.  
Irvine: Wha?! Why can't YOU search for firewood?!  
Squall: Because you two are more suited to that type of work.  
Zell: What type of work?  
Squall: Work that doesn't tax the brain too much. You know what I mean.  
Zell: Ugh! C'mon, Irvine, let's go! (he and Irvine leave; six hours pass)  
Squall: Well, we're all set. (stands back and admires the three tents he's just set up)  
Rinoa: Wow! What a brilliant job you've done on these tents, Squally!  
Squall: Yeah, but where the hell are Zell and Irvine? They should've been back hours ago!  
Selphie: Ooh, I hope they didn't get attacked by monsters!  
Rinoa: Maybe one of us should go and look for them.  
Squall: You're right. I'll go.  
Rinoa: (groans) When I said "one of us" I meant Selphie.  
Selphie: What?!  
Rinoa: (quietly) I want some time alone with Squall. Do you mind?  
Selphie: Ugh, I guess I could go then. See ya later. (goes off into the forest)  
Rinoa: Shall we go and check out our tent, Squall?  
Squall: Why?  
Rinoa: You know, to check if it's stable enough.  
Squall: Okay, I suppose. (he and Rinoa both go into the tent) Um, Rinoa? Why are you taking off my clothes?  
  
(Cut to Timber. Zell and Irvine are walking through the town)  
Irvine: This was a great idea, Zell.  
Zell: Yeah. Why waste time lookin' through the forest for firewood, when you can buy it for just 45 gil in town!  
Irvine: Should we get a few drinks before we go back to camp?  
Zell: Sure. What the hell.  
  
(Cut to the Roshfall Forest, Squall and Rinoa's tent. Squall and Rinoa are both naked inside their sleeping bag)  
Rinoa: Mm, fun huh, Squally?  
Squall: ...  
Rinoa: Squall?  
Squall: ...  
Rinoa: Oh, come on! It's not like it was your first time!  
Squall: ...  
Rinoa: Oh my God... It wasn't, was it?  
Squall: ...  
  
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. Zell and Irvine are sitting at the bar. They're drunk)  
Zell: Th... Thish wash the besht beer I've ever tashted in my entire life...!  
Irvine: Y... You're not makin' any senshe, Zelly!  
Zell: Sho what do you like besht about Selphie-poos, Irvy?  
Irvine: Sh... She's so damn cute... and she's got great legsh...  
Zell: G... Great whut...?  
Irvine: Legsh...  
Zell: Legsh?  
Irvine: Yeah, and she's the besht... Excushe me for one shecond... (pukes up over the bar)  
Zell: Ew... Gross, man...  
  
(Cut to the Roshfall Forest, the campsite. Squall and Rinoa have made a fire. Selphie returns)  
Squall: Selphie, where have you been?  
Selphie: (out of breath) Looking... for Zell and Irvy...  
Rinoa: You sure took your sweet time. Well, where are they?  
Selphie: I... I couldn't find them...  
Squall: Oh, don't worry. They couldn't have gotten far.  
Selphie: Don't worry?! They've been missin' for eight hours!  
Squall: Well it's a good job they left early then, isn't it?!  
Selphie: Ugh!  
Rinoa: We'll give them another three hours. If they haven't turned up by then, then we'll have to call out the search party.  
Squall: Search party?  
Rinoa: I have my contacts. Don't you worry.  
Selphie: I miss my Irvy! I'm going for a lie down! (goes into one of the tents) Ewww!! What's this sticky white stuff all over the sleeping bag?!  
Rinoa: (gasps) Selphie! Nooo!!  
Squall: Crap! That isn't your tent, Selphie!!  
  
(Cut to Obel Lake. Zell and Irvine are swimming naked in the lake. Their clothes are on the grass)  
Zell: Woo! I told you you'd enjoy a bit of skinny dippin', didn't I, Irvy?!  
Irvine: Yahoo! You bet you did, Zelly!  
  
(Cut to the Roshfall Forest, the campsite. Squall, Selphie and Rinoa are all sitting around the camp fire)  
Selphie: Oh, it's gonna be dark soon! Where are they?!  
Squall: It hasn't been three hours yet. Don't panic, Selphie.  
Selphie: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!  
Rinoa: Selphie?!  
Selphie: Rinoa, I want you to send out the search party!  
Rinoa: All right... (whistles and Angelo (Rinoa's dog) runs onto the campsite) Angelo, go and find the Forest Owls. Tell them to come here to the Roshfall Forest.  
Angelo: (sounding like Scooby Doo) Okay, Rinoa! (runs off into the forest; Selphie and Squall stare at each other)  
Rinoa: What?  
Squall: Uh... did that dog just talk?  
Rinoa: Yeah. So?  
Selphie: ...dogs don't talk, Rinoa.  
Rinoa: (angry) Oh, whatever!  
  
(Cut to the Forest Owls Train Base HQ. Zone and Watts are inside)  
Watts: Can I have a look at your copy of Girl Next Door, please?  
Zone: I've told you before - no! (Angelo jumps on board)  
Watts: (to Angelo) Oh, hello, sir. How are you?  
Angelo: Rinoa's in trouble. She needs your help.  
Watts: Oh my goodness! Zone, did you hear that? Our princess needs our help!  
Zone: I'd love to go and help Rinoa but... uuuuuhhhhh, MY STOMACH!!  
  
(Cut to the Roshfall Forest, the campsite. Squall, Rinoa and Selphie are still sitting by the camp fire)  
Squall: Shouldn't they be here by now?  
Rinoa: Give them time! Angelo won't fail us! (the Forest Owls and Angelo enter the campsite) Watts! Zone! You came!  
Watts: We'd never let you down, Rinoa. We're here to help you.  
Squall: Oh, damn!  
Watts: Hello, sir! How're you?  
Squall: I was fine until you came along.  
Watts: That's great, sir!  
Zone: Now what's the goddamned problem, Rinoa?  
Rinoa: Our friends have been missing for several hours. They went off into the forest but they haven't returned.  
Zone: Idiots! Don't they know how dangerous Roshfall Forest can be?!  
Rinoa: Apparently not.  
Zone: And what the hell are you all doin' here anyway?!  
Selphie: We're camping here for the weekend. Would you like to join us?  
Zone: I'd rather stick shards of broken glass up my ass. There are horrible creatures living in this forest, you know.  
Squall: We had no idea.  
Zone: Your friends've probably been eaten alive!  
Squall: Ulp!  
Zone: Well, I suppose we better start lookin' for their bodies. C'mon, everyone, follow us.  
  
(Cut to Obel Lake. Zell and Irvine (who are still quite drunk) have gotten out of the lake. They're getting dressed on the grass)  
Zell: That sure was fun, huh Irvy?  
Irvine: You bet it was, Zelly! (they stare at each other for a while) Have you ever jacked off in front of another guy before?  
Zell: No. Why? Have you?  
Irvine: Hell no.  
Zell: Then why're you talkin' like that for?! Let's just get back to Balamb Garden!  
Irvine: Okay.  
  
(Cut to the Roshfall Forest. Squall, Rinoa, Selphie, Angelo, Zone and Watts are all looking for Zell and Irvine)  
Zone: Dammit! Son of a bitch! Dammit!  
Squall: What's wrong?  
Zone: Up ahead! Look! (an Anacondaur is asleep near a tree; it has a large bulge in its belly)  
Rinoa: (Angelo jumps into her arms and they both shake) Zoiks! Like, you don't think that snake swallowed Zell and Irvine, do you?!  
Selphie: Irvy!!  
Zone: Tch... well I told you they'd be dead, didn't I?  
Selphie: P... Perhaps they're still alive inside it!  
Zone: Don't be ridiculous! They'd have been digested by now!  
Selphie: (cries) Oh, Irvy!!  
Zone: Will someone help her?  
Rinoa: (comforting Selphie) There, there. There, there.  
Watts: Sir, may I make a suggestion, sir?!  
Squall: Go ahead.  
Watts: Sir, we should kill the snake while it's asleep to get brutal revenge on it for killing your friends.  
Squall: Why? It's not the creature's fault. It's just a natural instinct to it.  
Watts: I still say you should get revenge, sir.  
Squall: Shut up!  
Rinoa: We should get back to camp now. Thanks for your help, Watts and Zone.  
Zone: What?! You can't go back to camp! You might end up going down the same path as your dead friends here!  
Rinoa: Well where else would we go?  
Zone: You can stay at our base tonight if you like.  
Squall: We wouldn't wanna be any bother to you.  
Zone: It's no bother.  
Squall: Are you sure?  
Zone: Of course I'm sure! Now are you comin' or not?!  
Squall: Well...  
Zone: Uuuuuhhhhh, MY STOMACH!!  
Squall: All right, all right! We'll come!  
Zone: That's a good boy.  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the lobby, the next day. Squall, Rinoa, Selphie and Angelo all walk in)  
Selphie: (sniffs) I can't believe Irvy is dead.  
Squall: (to Rinoa) Notice no one seems to give a damn about Zell?  
Zell: (from down the hallway) Did someone say my name, say my name? (leaps out at the party)  
Squall: Zell?! You're alive! But how!?  
Zell: What the hell are you talkin' about, Squall?  
Rinoa: We thought you were killed by a giant snake in the Roshfall Forest.  
Zell: (laughs) No, I wasn't. I'm very much alive, as you can see.  
Selphie: Then where's Irvy?! Is he with you?!  
Zell: Uh yeah, but I wouldn't talk to him if I were you.  
Selphie: Why not?  
Zell: He's got a hangover. Like, a MAJOR hangover. And he also did something last night that he'll regret for the rest of his life.  
Selphie: What?!  
Zell: You really don't wanna know, Selphie.  
Squall: This has been the most #@$%^&* up adventure ever.  
Rinoa: I don't know. We've had some pretty bizarre adventures in the past. Remember when Zell-  
Squall: Rinoa, this isn't a clip show, okay? 'Sides, we're near the end of the fanfic.  
Rinoa: Rats! I wanted to talk about the good old times!  
Squall: Maybe in the next fanfic...  
Rinoa: (sighs) Okay.  
Selphie: Well I'm just glad everything worked out all right in the end. I'm going to see Irvy now. Zell, where is he?  
Zell: Uh... I don't know. But I know where he isn't. He's DEFINITELY not in my dormitory! And he's DEFINITELY not in my bed!  
Selphie: Okay... Now I'm scared...  
Angelo: Angelo-dooby-doo!  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
